The voice of the soul through time

Why do we still send a fax these days? You don't know who is going to receive it at the other end or where it will end up.  For goodness sake we have email!  Or maybe the lessons are hidden in the mundane & the irritating.  Maybe it was never about about the fax, more the journey towards another catalyst, another opportunity for change, a sign post, a turning point.  How often do we focus too long on the irritating & mundane, then miss the sign posts?

Books have this way of finding me, in random stores in remote places, 2nd hand, new, the corners of libraries & to be honest I've never liked maps. I figured after my first experience with a GPS when my temptation was to speak back & I wanted to hurl it out the window, being told where to go & how to get there was something  I had to work on. Ah the universe & her wisdom, a book is less confrontational, a piece of art more reflective & a gentle nudge, the decision to turn their pages, tuck them in my bag & curl up in bed when all is quiet, absorb the lesson is entirely mine.

Open to such a moment, waiting on yet another fax, a book caught my eye on the 'someone just returned me shelf; who could resist the title 'Only love is real'. First the smirk, then the schema 'yeah right' & then the question to the sarcastic self, "so how do we measure love Dr Weiss"....mmm interesting a doctor writing on love being a tangible living, breathing, hold in your hand, transcend time thing! Can we cut it out, stitch it up, attach it when it's missing & such a little book how could it possibly stand up to all these questions. Flip the back over & browse the comments....mmm more MD's. "Finding & reunited with your soul mate will bring you to profound bliss & happiness, safe in the knowledge that you are together always to the end of time"....Ah....bliss & happiness, what I've always wanted! (Yes I'm still being sarcastic). More doubting thoughts with the speed of lightening challenge the Goddess within; who whips  out a response & orders them  to sit down & shut the hell up.  Come on we are 40 something (maybe a bit more but let's not get too honest here), single & it's been a while.  At times we think passion is something that grows wild on the back fence! So what could it hurt to read the sign post? OK get out the card & grab the book, faxing done.

(A) "God may be in the details,

but the Goddess is in the questions.

Once we begin to ask them,

there's no turning back."

- Gloria Steinem

Being one always up for a good debate on what is & isn't real I couldn't resist Dr Brian Weiss' interesting perspective on two souls connected through time. Not just any time, not this time, or the last time, all time. It's not like this is a new concept, from movies to music, it would seem we long for a depth of connection no science can define, industries thrive on our search to understand the inner voice. Maslow suggests our foundations lay in the concrete of our innate need to connect.  We can try to run from it, hide from it, beat the crap out of it, as human beings we need to love & feel loved.  It would appear if you miss the boat in those critical years your soul aches for the attachment; searching high & low, with no map in hand, seeking out that critical connection which puts the yin in your yang.  With no 'all seeing eye' to guide your way.  

Only the self knows the true nature of it's longing; no one can define it for you, mould it, buy it or hand it over.  It has to be you.  Something greater than us all connects the dots. The true self, the real self, the you behind the wall & buried deep self. You, naked, raw, scars & complete you. You are not a God or Goddess, yet. Our purpose is to strive to their status, to do better, be better & keep going. We each carry them within.  Think about it; if we can carry a billion codes of genetic proportion to shape the colour of our eyes, our skin, the structure of our teeth, the freckles & whether we will need to always pull the car seat forward or not, why then is it so hard to conceive we carry the memories, the passion, the soul of those before us. Don't go attacking this like an analyst on a PlayStation, you cannot fulfill the picture by joining 2. to 50. You need to follow the path. Sometimes we get lost, we meet lots of people along the way. Like Alice down the rabbit hole we long for a little magic on our way home, there is a temptation to detour too often, to mistaken lust for love & attempt to fill the void with whoever & whatever we can find when we are overwhelmed with loneliness & longing, when the searching is unbearable.

Suck it up people! You can get another job, buy another house, save a bit longer; do you really need to spend more time on the mundane & less on your souls purpose? So you loved once or love many, nothing is lost on the journey.  It can take a while for the soul to wear in the new body, especially when it is challenged daily by an ego the size of the universe. What could be more relevant to you, more meaningful & life changing than to listen to your calling, to be the best you can be.  What if you discover not only do you have a soul (no it doesn't have a picture, a program or a map), a bit like Hancock or Jane Foster, it longs for it's other half, it searches for your balance. Yet at the end of all days, whatever floats your boat, just don't go blaming a God or a parent, a wrong turn you took because in your last breathe you realise all those critical moments you could have done things differently, the should have, could have, would have.  There is always an end. It will be time for your soul to go to the next life & your poor soul, battered & bruised with no result may hope for a light bulb moment way before the last rites next time it decides to inhabit the shell of a human being.

It's crazy, insane even, I know this to be true.  The wildest dreamers of history remain the most influential.  It is the passionate, the visionary wanderers who know in the depth of those souls, a dream is not a dream unless it's big.  Don't get caught up in the mundane, in worrying about ques, waiting & appointments, someone cut you off, you haven't got time, you want more.  Cut the crap people, get real with yourself.  Everything you need for this adventure is right there inside you.  What you need is not on any map, you can't search to the heavens & you still won't find the voice you are seeking. 
This is truly the Indiana Jones of all lifetime adventures.  Your life, this life, have you ever wondered about that box inside, the one which stores the memories, the passion, the quiet voice inside you that you desperately need to be slapped with at times using a piece of 4x2 to let you know you took the wrong turn! Wake up inner God & Goddess! You can't find it in a new house, a new kitchen, a new car, collecting, hoarding or baking.  Go ahead keep busy so you don't have to take this journey.  Sit down & throw your hands up in a tanty, it's a choice.  It serves no one & least of all you.  Your sitting quiet, blaming others, wanting more will not bring you closer. You are not in control, there is no control. You cannot live your souls purpose through your children, your family or your friends.  There are choices, times for change & direction.  Like a winding maze listening to the beat of a heart, the glow of a light, you can choose to follow the sounds, the sign posts or go your own way. The message here seems to be clear, you can open yourself up to everyone amazing life changing experience or do things your way.  You can't replace it, make it or find it.  Your soul isn't at a clearance sale. It was there long before those cells started to divide & divide & divide to make way for that body you punish in search of what you already HAVE!.  It has chosen you, it has faith you can do this & like all that exists even our soul requires balance.

Look around us, light/dark, male/female, yes/no, keep going, you will see it in every corner of the globe....balance.  What makes you think your soul is any different.  It depends on you to be true, to love unconditionally, to learn from each experience, to open your mind, trust your instinct & lead with your heart, be the best you can be.  You have many mountains to climb, a journey that will wear you down, break you & build you up time & time again.  You may rest in the valley, enjoy the view from the top, just don't stop.  You will know what is true, trust yourself more than any person.  If you can't trust a single soul, at least trust your own. You will know when you find the other half. You will love many times & your soul will know the difference. Take every piece of ecstasy, every single taste, smell, sense you know that lifts you above your body & radiates 'feel good' & put it all together, like samples to lead you towards more. It sounds like something one person couldn't survive, a collision of volcanic proportions. It is not one or the other, it is all.  You cannot teach your soul to sing when it already has its own song & when it finds someone who knows that tune it is etched etched in time.

As Catherine shares her story with Weiss, we hear the million voices of women in loveless relationships.  Good men, bad men, good people, bad people will come in & out of our lives.  You know I know you know (I love that line!) the difference between when your heart sings, your body moves & when you compromise. For some good enough will always be enough, the risk of being alone for all eternity is too great. As the movies you watch to re charge that longing, share the universal story & so do they share our disbelief. Heartbreak, loss, grief, destined to be together, destined to be apart. The tales of superheroes which must live forever without love.  Oh for goodness sake people write your own song, direct your own movie.  You decide how the story ends.  Stop looking for someone else to tell you. Stop sitting back in your armchair admiring the ease to which successful, happy people have it all.  Wake up people! Can you honestly understand every drought, flood & strength it takes for a thousand year old incredibly strong, inspiring & gorgeous tree to hold itself so high? Have you witnessed the days nature begged it to break, to bend, to give a little more, of course not. No she held her ground, dug in those roots & she was damn determined she was not going to fall without giving out everything she had.  There is no ease to happiness or success.  It takes courage, resilience & the freedom to choose the right to be who you are destined to be. The strong, the tall, the courageous, the successful, they earn every right to be where they are. You want, go get it yourself. Love is no different.  You want ordinary, then compromise. You want to answer the call, then listen to it's voice.

Your soul knows where it belongs, it takes you there time & time again & you look away.  It uses aversion therapy to bring you to the edge of the abyss & to get you to take a good look at what you risk missing.  Sometimes we see it & kid ourselves in believing we can take for granted a moment in time, we can have it again.  Trust me on this one, sometimes there is such a moment as once in a lifetime. Listen to it, slow down, breathe, in & out, get to know yourself, you more than anyone else should be able to tell your story.  When you are ready, the universe will deliver.

So it isn't often you find the story of a human being, a scientifically trained, educated, experienced, scientist, psychiatrist of the Jewish faith who challenges the medical & scientific models when he explores a fascinating story of souls connected, the beauty & passion of the human soul, the ultimate story of love long after death. We long for it, ache for it, drives our passions, brings out the best & worst in us.  What is it we are seeking, why do we need it, why is life empty or without balance without it.

Fascinated by human behaviour, excited by a new perspective & amused by those who search to define that which cannot nor will ever be measured, I enjoy the opportunity to read the wisdom of a human being who has discovered this truth, who has been brought to their heart rather than their knees via a process which challenges the fabric of all they have known.  Someone who hasn't let religion, status or their profession wrap them in a magic cloak of ignorance, sheltering them from everything else that is outside their scope. Here it is people, the wisdom across all time! You do not know everything, you cannot, will not & therefore you do not have all the answers. You were given a ticket, a ride you are on whether you like it or not. It will have a start & a finish, how you experience the journey is up to you.

I am first a human being, I am a woman among many labels, I am also single; so a bit excited by the prospect that somewhere in the trillions of our population is someone with a soul (which on its own is a miracle) searching for me.  The optimist is excited, no longer do I need to be a warrior, leap tall buildings in a single bound, be the first one into battle, do I need to throw myself into every challenge & test after test.  I can throw down the sarcasm, the fronts & behinds, somewhere, out there is my balance, we are lost, my soul & I, I can't find it or maybe I didn't recognise it when we crossed paths again in this lifetime & I was too damn pig headed to read the map! That would be the optimist.

Now let the pessimist take a turn.  Is this perspective suggesting that like a needle in a haystack, no actually that would be too small, a needle in the ocean, on the bottom of the deepest, darkest, undiscovered part of the ocean may be the key to all we are, the other half of my soul. The soul that sends me into battle, into heartache & tragedy, life after life she looks for you I long for you, never knowing that I never needed to carry that baggage all this time! In each lifetime, like magnets we are entwined. I will only know you when we connect and I must wait. I may have felt your touch, held your hand & not realising the significance or did I, I let it go.  You may not even recognise who I am, we may have to do this meeting over many times, across many centuries & still our chances are slim. Yet I am still to believe & I am to hold onto faith, to answer the call whether you find me or not.  Am I to now understand, I am the voices of a thousand lost souls & this epiphany is our turning point? You are close & yet still so far!

"There is someone special for everyone......  They come from different generations. They travel across oceans of time & the depths of heavenly dimensions to be with you again. They come from the other side of heaven. They look different, but your heart knows them.....You are bonded together throughout eternity, and you will never be alone. You head may interfere "I do not know you", your heart knows. .......for the first time, and the memory of (the) touch transcends time and sends a jolt through every atom of your being."

As many of you would know I tap away here in the hope I may spark some interest in one of many books I have started, weed through the insanity of my thoughts, the ramblings of my imagination & put the finishing touches on at least one of these projects before the next life.

Where does it end, where does a soul begin? Do we seek the answers in books we call religion, seek understanding by deities & Gods, for fear of asking ourselves the right questions would be too complex & unbearable.  Are the stories we share across cultures & time, our attempt to rationalise that which we can never define. Heaven forbid we would have to trust ourselves, trust our heart, trust our soul to take responsibility; the choices we make would be of our own making & carry the weight of possessing gifts on our own shoulders. There would be an acceptance of not having all the answers, of letting go of the control.

If fate & destiny dictates the meeting of souls, then why look at all, why rush, complain or force it.  Why not sit back, enjoy the ride & take in the view. We WILL meet them, they will be there, time & time again across lifetimes. If you do not step outside your safety zone how could you possibly cross paths again. Would it not be best to embrace all life on this planet, to be friend to all, to love unconditionally. With no need to ever fear being unloved, unwanted; knowing we are never alone.

"and you see a soul companion across centuries. Your stomach turns upside down. Your arms are goose flesh. Everything outside this moment loses its importance. He may not recognize you, even though you have finally met again, even though you know him. You can feel the bond. You can see the potential, the future. But he does not. His fears, his intellect, his problems keep a veil over his heart's eyes. He does not let you help him sweep the veil aside. You mourn and grieve, and he moves on."

Yet here we go again, this carriage has too many voices. The ego steps in, the Goddess, the ego & the self go head to head as I turn the pages. I go through hell across centuries, I carry more scars than Frankenstein and then he doesn't know who I am! Come on Dr Weiss, give me more hope. OK the strong, cape flapping women out there, hiding behind our swords & intimidating presence, I'll stand up & face the music, I'll reveal what is known in the secret garden; we all have a little Elspeth Dickens in us. Tired, superwomen, babies tucked under arms, more in the out groups than the in, singing (or blogging or painting, pick your medicine) our way through our lives, losing ourselves in the process .  Who wouldn't appreciate a gesture in the form of a community stopped by your other half who happens to look like Ronan Keating (OM gosh sings like him too & wears an awesome apron on its own!) frozen in their froth by the sounds of a whale bellowing from a helicopter like chariot, the sounds of a mate looking for his other half, searching for it (as if my expectations weren't high enough).  Is it any wonder on attempting to clear the head whilst digesting the pages of Dr Weiss' discovery & my small attempt at clarifying the most complex of all human desires I was caught off guard by an intense headache, feeling of unwellness & without notice (& thankfully on an empty stomach) brought up the collections of my stomach all over my desk, the PC & my self! Yes I hear the Goddess now "you did say a piece of 4x2 didn't you!".

Thank you Dr Weiss for igniting the faith, rekindling the flame, restoring a little light a while longer. This inner Goddess is tired & worn, this adventure has been more like a primal reality show of warriors reunited. Wherever he is, I guess he is out there, maybe he is lost & he is tired & you've given me if anything an opportunity to expand the mind to consider how a medical professional of your calibre could believe in past life regression then it was worth exploring further.

Who am I & why am I here, is the voice of the soul through time.  Will someone love me, hold me, want me, need me, keep me safe or will we carry the weight of a thousand souls & travel this lifetime alone.  Is it real, is love real? Can it awaken me, move me, show me a living I'm yet to comprehend? (OK yes I know the good friends out there have already worked out I haven't had enough caffeine, sleep or well maybe chocolate!).

It's time to pull this stage of the journey over to the curb for a nap, a recharge & a little more caffeine.  I leave you with Dr Weiss, a little inspiration & for the Goddess & God's within us all, aspire & long for another day - balance, people, it really is as simple as that.

"Destiny can be so delicate.  When both recognise each other,

no volcano could erupt with more passion. The energy

released is tremendous.  Soul recognition may be immediate.

A sudden feeling of familiarity, of knowing this new person at depths

far beyond what the conscious mind could know. At depths usually

reserved for the most intimate family members. Or even deeper than that.

Intuitively knowing what to say, how they will react. A feeling of safety & a trust

far greater than could be earned in only one day or one week or one month.

Soul recognition may be subtle & slow.  A dawning of awareness as the

veil is gently lifted.  Not everyone is ready to see right away.

There is a timing at work, and patience may be necessary

for the one who sees first"

Dr B. Weiss



Who are you & what will it take for you to matter to yourself?

OK, this recurring theme just keeps raising it's head like a leopard seal after a singing penguin; begging to either hit it hard or let it have it's way or just keep running! What will it take people, to get up and start living the life you deserved? The one you dream of in the quiet moments, the busy moments, the moments you run so hard on that pavement you feel the impact of the femur and the femoral head as they grind away with the pelvis.
Why do we do it? Block, cut off, drown out, suppress, whatever you want to call it, busy ourselves instead of sitting with what is and what is right, what moves our soul to sing and dance.  Oh that is right, maybe you have forgotten what that is like or worse still you can't recall a moment when your soul moved you to a place above ecstacy other something you digest.
When was the last time you cut loose? Put on your favourite outfit because you just wanted to? When did you tell someone how amazing they are, what they mean to you, how they matter in this world? When did you tell the person you love how you feel to know they live inside your heart? Whilst you are busy worrying about what people will think, is it insane, is it a risk, life is passing you by and so is every person, every event that brings you closer to what you long for.

Some time ago in a rush to get into town and have a few things done, I was asked by my little person what should they wear and of course with being a massive busy person addict, I said wear whatever you like.  Have you ever said this to a 5 yr old?

So out comes this radiant beauty of confidence and independence, hot pink leopard print tutu, with a huge tule skirt, black lace up pirate boots, a feather/fluffy jacket and a crown "I'm ready"....Who could not smile at that picture!

On entering Maccas for a quick treat on the way home I was pulled aside by my little person who asked if people were staring and why would they, so I reminded her it was just at how amazing, daring and gorgeous she is..and what was her response "I know".

Oh to be five again, to be brave enough to be emotional & honest with yourself, let alone others; to rip down the walls of bricks and mortar, security and self protection, to reveal our vulnerability, passion and dreams.  To take off the masks and reveal the true identity, sheltering in comfort & ease, yet too proud or scared to step outside the safety zone.

What are you so afraid of? What happened on the way to adulthood that stole your bravery, courage and risk taking.  Who was it that with a big heeve ho, tossed you behind that brick wall you hide yourself behind, the one who is terrified of letting their heart reveal secrets you agreed to take to the grave; say what needs to be said, be forgiving, understanding, unconditional.

If I said grab some paper and don't start writing until go and write all the questions you've never asked, all the dreams you have, all the desires, passions, thoughts, wishes, things you wish you could do, how much paper would you need?  No I'm not talking just about your bucket list (last time I went down that path I opened up a bloody hornets nest & had to remove the post!). There are some out there who believe anyone who needs a bucket list, who desires anything more than what they have right now is selfish, self centred & has major issues with gratitude.  Yet to put a flip side on that self righteous notion, aren't you not taking for granted the very life you have been given? What about all the children, adults, people out in the world right now suffering, with moments to live, those who have gone before us with unfinished dreams & desires.  I'm sure they would give more than just their opinion to trade your life for the one they no longer have.

Come on people, dig, get out a bulldozer size dig if you have to & dig deep.  Why are you locking away your heart? That soul is aching, it is needing you to find that damn key, open that lock and give it wings! You are your dreams, your actions, every foot you put forward, each time you stand still, you give & take, no one else does it for you. Stop passing the buck.  He/she does not hold you back, you hold yourself back, life has some big ropes that do their best to hold you down, you are the only person who can break those ties or wind them up until you work it out. Give yourself a chance, give others a chance.  You cannot possibly predict how others will react until you give it your best shot.

The thing about behaviour is that whatever you do will affect how someone responds and acts. Shit happens! Yep let's call it what it is & sometimes it comes in a truck, a cup or it drowns you & you nearly suffocate under it. Not everyone can be bothered with thinking before they speak or act & sadly each of us will be the victim of this at some point in our lives.  There will be some who know the incredible pain that is inflicted at the hands of another, either by words or their actions. I can't change that for you, I can't even change my own past.  What I can do is change my attitude towards it, I can take back the power or I can keep feeding it. I can stay on the floor (where the view is dismal) or get my arse off the floor & keep going. That is my choice. Yep there are rules, we live with them, are governed by them and they attempt to keep us from too much chaos and disorder. 

What happens is you get told you can't do something enough, you believe it yourself.  Where you believe in the psychoanalytic stuff that underneath all that white matter or weaved in between it are your tape recordings played over & over in your head that will be the foundations of your decision making.  Some believe it's as simple as wiring.  As a child the lessons we learn are the lessons we keep.  Yet let me tell you what makes you a clever smarty pants species is your capacity to change, to make choices, to basically get your crap together.  Your past does not define you.  Whatever happened, happened & wow did it happen! See it for what it is, take some lessons from it, turn it around in the palm of your hand & take back the power over who you become.

I'm well aware, having seen it in children more than enough, actually probably just as many adults who still believe their voices from childhood.  If you are reminded of what you can't do enough, you forget about what are your strengths, you begin to loose sight of them.

If you are hurt often enough, you begin to believe you are not worthy of love.  You stop believing in its endless possibilities. You give up, give in, let go, hold on too tight. Your stop adapting & changing & growing, you stop learning. You become bogged down & stuck & just like a vehicle pulled to the side of the road, you've turned the engine off & just watching the rest of the world go by.  

When someone lies, deceives and hurts you, you not only stop trusting others, you stop trusting yourself. You stop risk taking, you play it safe, put a few more bricks on that wall and bunker down for life.  As the days go by, you build it higher & you become more comfortable there, not sticks & stones going to get over that wall.

I was there, I'm not talking out of my posterior! I held back, put up with and made excuses and they were justifications for playing the same song rather than learn something new. It is far easier to stay in what is than to go what isn't.  Fear builds anxiety & the more you feed fear the more anxious you are & nothing triggers fear more than uncertainty.  It takes enormous courage & strength to look fear in the face & tell it to get out of your way. Once you do, every step becomes easier & you wonder why you waited so long.

Nothing puts you out there more, builds those biceps & strengthens those butt muscles more than life throwing you back over that wall and you having nothing and I mean nothing to loose. Stop wasting hours in the mirror feeding that uncertainty of who will see you, what will they think, will I be liked, will they laugh; stop listening to all those voices in your head & put on something you love, get comfortable & the right people won't care & those that do won't matter anyway. You realise the people who catch a glimpse of you in your gumboots and favourite lace skirt, hot passionate red lipstick in the daytime, may pass a glance, yet given their minds are so small I bet they won't recall you or that day in 24hrs let alone years from then. If you don't get that stuff off your chest, it will clog up those arteries, it will weigh down that heart and it will anchor the soul in despair.  Cut some loose.

Someone once told me not to change to be what others wanted, otherwise as a chameleon it would never stop & you would never know who you were looking at in the mirror, it would scare the crap out of you everyday! Be yourself & those who are attracted to you will stay & linger, those who don't, let them leave. You do not need to impress anyone, you are impressive. There is nothing more exciting, attractive, sexy, than a person who is unique. You don't need to be the edited, photo chopped chick on the front cover of the magazine, you are you, be proud of you, scars & all.  Find your own style, find your own words, discover your truth. Be YOU!

What we all strive for, ache for & long for, even if we run from it, even if we try & spend all our time & energy working on that wall & cave we hide in, is our need to connect, to belong to someone, to something bigger than ourselves. If you are not you, if you don't even know who that is, how will anyone else?

I was walking through the shops a few weeks back & came across a couple holding hands. Nothing unusual about it at all. It was just one of those days as a single person, busy, life going not exactly as you plan, that you catch a glimpse of this very large woman, no shoes, piercing in many places I would be reluctant to be pierced & a very thing, no shoes (I think they were pants he was wearing, yet I could see more of his underwear than his trousers) & they were gazing at each other, their hands were locked tight & I was thinking wow, just wow. All the dressing up & dressing down & doing what you think is the right thing to make the right connections is only going to push you further off the radar. Just go out there & be the best you, the authentic you & find someone who wants the real version of you.

What legacy do we pass to our children about life, believing in ourselves, being the best we can be if we are sitting in our comfort zone making excuses? They don't need our permission to be their best, they need us to show them. Do you give up, give in? Do you have a wall? Have you dug yourself into a cave? Do you even know who you are? How can they learn how to believe in themselves if you don't believe in you or for them in that matter.

Put on your gumboots, fairy wings and go to town if you have to!
Dance in the kitchen if the music fills you up. Pick up the phone & even if there is no reason & it scares the hell out of you, tell them you love them, you always have, always will & you don't need anyone to complete you, you are complete & they would be crazy to let you go & if they do....let them. Pick up yourself & put on your big girls pants, favourite lipstick, saddle up & keep going.

I was out the other day at the gym, having a chat with someone who is struggling with their body image and they made a comment that it was "ok" for me as I didn't have to worry about that.  Worry no, I don't.  I honestly don't care about some fake, plastic image society has conjured up through people who never stop to question why. Yet luck? I'm me because of luck? 

It is not luck that drags me up everyday and works damn hard every step of the way, every ache, every injury, every kilometre I have to change my music frequently to keep motivating myself to keep going. At first it was self loathing & punishment, now it is a reward. It was the most empowering decision ever. To cut loose those chains that held me back from every decision, every risk, every dream I had.

"What if....." someone put to me, "What if you went after them (dreams, goals, passions) one by one, have you ever thought about what if you caught one? how different you life could be". What if, like Alice down the rabbit hole, you kept going, with no clue as to what or who was up next.  You keep those witts about you, believe in a little magic & hang on tight to that faith! Churchill was spot on, when you get to the end of that rope, tie a knot in it and hang on, swing if you have to!

The obstacles didn't disappear & it was far from easy, yet my attitude had changed, nothing and no one was going to hold me back again.  I savor the shaking in my boots stuff for later & I play Clint Eastwood's voice in my head when the going gets tough "go ahead make my day". Like an energy sucker, I absorb that frustration, the judgements, the untruths; I pack it into that childhood luggage & use it to build those biceps, push the hail damage out of those thighs & all the while smile through the fog in my glasses & sweat running down my neck. I changed my affirmations to remind me of the words of a cancer patient, you can take most things from me, yet you will never take my will power, I will hold it tight til the end. This is no battle or war, it's a willingness to accept the things I can change & can't and to do something about those things I can. I'm no perfect body, I'm not even what the media says is a perfect size, I still like pizza & I still love a glass of wine.  I love even more to feel good about myself & all the working out, starving myself & matching my image to media generate ones will not do that.

Rules like when to do the dishes, when to mow the lawn, what to wear to town, how I can love, who I can't, who I can forgive, who I should, who I should be, who I shouldn't, these ridiculous rules that others conjure up in the boredom of their own lives, in the hope that if they focus on mine long enough, they won't have to address any of their own.  I will be who I choose to be, love who I choose to love, live how I choose to live, I will share my gifts with who I choose to.  I will not bow to your socially constructed ignorant pictures of me.  I don't need you to tell me who I am, I decide.  I don't need you to tell me I'm worthy, I decide.  I don't need you make me feel like I matter, I do matter & if you aren't smart enough to see that then how very sad for you to not have someone like me in your life.

It wasn't luck when I was around 35kg heavier and it isn't luck to balance it while juggling a cup that is already overflowing, another degree, a new career and enough moving to consider a life as a gypsy would be easier! It wasn't luck to rip my heart out from that cave I'd stashed it in for safe keeping & preservation until anthropologist discovered it in its immaculate entirety thousand of years from now, what would they learn from an unused heart, slightly worn & tired? I took it out of that box & couldn't be bothered sticking in on my sleeve, plus I had other plans for those biceps, I stuck it right out front, like a target, with a go ahead take your best shot sign! I thought it is now or never & maybe it will be both.

Be careful people, careful you don't assume that smile has not come without effort, pain and a story you only read about.  Careful not to over generalise or simplify your friends, people who may be smiling through their sheer determination never to give up. This is not luck, something you toss a coin for or gamble on.  You can't bet on life, there are no guarantees. If you don't take the shot you, the opportunity is gone, the wind will change & the conditions along with it & before you know it what once was is now gone.

I can't tell you how to change your life, only you can do that & I wouldn't want to, I'm too busy sorting my own.  I can only chat away about what has worked for me, inspire others, challenge myself and keep going forward. I've learned through experiences I wish I'd never had, that life is not easy, it's damn f***ing hard at times, it could be made easier if someone would just put out their hand to you & help you to your feet, yet that doesn't always happen. Oh sure it would be nice to think Mr Disney was onto something; that some great hot looking perfect partner is going to slay dragons for us, has the best looking horse in town & he can ride! Manages to balance a sword & those red roses & sweep you off your feet all in one big magically swoop.  I feel nauseated just contemplating it. 

Reality is so far different than some chick flick or cartoon you day dream over. We can wish with all our capacity & still need to take a rain check on that & get on with life at times. You need to make your own choices & let others make theirs.  As painful as it can be, if someone can't see you for who you are, like Oprah once said, if they aren't prepared to ride the bus with you then they sure as hell don't deserve to ride in your limo. 

I've worked in bars, as a secretary, cleaned children's toilets, I've done so many things & adapted so many times I feel tired thinking about it. There are people who stayed for the ride & those who dropped off when I didn't fit their image of who they wanted in their life. Funny thing about that is they tend to pop their heads back up when your income goes up, life changes, you drop a bit of weight. I even had a situation where all went well & we got along like a house on fire until they realised I had tattoos & like a switch connected to their mediocre stereotyped driven brains I was then on the out. I've had guys who are more attracted to whatever image they have in their heads that pushes their buttons than they are with what comes out of my mouth. A friend's husband once told me if I only kept quiet & different have an opinion & definitely don't talk about the ugly work stuff, then I was more likely to stop being single (I'm still single). I was married to someone & in a relationship for nearly 20 years who never once read an assignment, a research piece, not one published article or attended any graduations, yet happy to tell me if my arse looked big in something or it didn't & to recommend what I should wear. What people notice about you tells you more about them than it does about you. 

From these lessons & from the loss of major relationships I invested way too much time & are no longer relevant in my life, I found myself.  I found I feel just as comfortable in yoga pants as I do in a suit. I talk & I enjoy talking, I enjoy people who talk & I love what everyone has to say, even when it is wrong lol :) I don't need to find a relationship to complete me, I'm complete. If someone comes along that looks at me & sees the sparkle on my face, behind every scar & lesson that has shaped me along the way; someone who takes the time to listen, to appreciate & can be honest then wow I'll look forward to that, yet I don't need it like I need to breathe. I can breathe pretty well on my own. 


So what will it take? What do you need to get that key & open up that heart you've tucked away in a safety deposit box. Who are you & what is it going to take for you to matter to yourself enough that you dig deep & take a hammer to that wall, take a tank to it if you have to.  What is it going to take for you to come out of that cave & take a look at the view, to find someone to keep you warm, to hold you when you are at your best & worst; when you are sexy & when you need tissues battling the flu. Someone who loves your arse in summer & winter (as we all know winter is a time of comfort food). There is no better time than now to love with all your might, to dance with the freedom of a child  oblivious to an audience, sing like you are the finalist for X Factor and love so great, so unconditionally that you don't need it returned, you have enough to give away & still keep going. Let those in who find it & appreciate it. Wave on & wish them well those who don't. 

Whatever happened before you, before today is yesterday.  You did what you had to do, you survived. You are stronger, more capable & you have learned a few lessons along the way. Now be YOU!

Take a chance on you. 
Take a chance on someone else. 
Take a chance on something different.
Take a risk & if it doesn't work, do it again & again & again.
You are worth the risk.
Believe in yourself. 
You are worthy.
You are enough.
You are complete.

I am different, I am worthy, I am worth the risk and I will keep going whether you realise this or not. 

Now where is that lycra & those boots!

Namaste xoxo